It's ok to not be ok

Yesterday was the first day of training back in São Paulo, with no better way to hit the ground running than with fitness testing to establish our benchmarks for the start of the season. But I wasn’t at training. I was at a funeral with Marjorie and my brother-in-law, Alain. Their closest cousin (whom I had met a couple years ago) passed away, unexpectedly and tragically, on Wednesday. Marjorie got the news the same day that she arrived in Brazil from vacation in the States for the holidays. We were in shock, overcome with sadness; we started to grieve.

Today, I went back to training after taking the day yesterday to be with Marj and her family. I knew a part of me wanted to get back to my familiar routine as soon as possible, get back to things that are within my control--back to things that are usually a big part of what make me feel excited and fulfilled. Today definitely didn’t go like that, though. A big part of me knew that it would be hard. I was going to catch up on fitness testing and have to give every ounce of energy I had. I’m going to give myself some credit and say that it actually started off well. But around noon, I felt like it wasn’t making sense for me to be there.

Being a high performance athlete, I was in the middle of a difficult endurance test (the yoyo/beep test) when this feeling of “not making sense” hit. I used every trick and technique I know to calm my mind and focus my energy before and during this test, but what hit me was just bigger. I don’t really know how to explain it. So on top of all that, it scared me and I felt weak and like I had failed. And then I really didn’t want to be there anymore. I felt like shit.  I had no choice but to call it a day.

Time doesn’t stop. Not that it should. But these past three days have felt like a solid week. It feels like being thrown off of a fast-moving train and you have to find a way to jump back on because it’s not going to slow down for you. It would be so much easier if there was a pause button to put your life on hold while you felt all the emotions that seem to boil over uncontrollably. There is no pause button, but I’m always learning that there are ways to create space to feel and breathe and slow down and recover, without being consumed by a sense of losing control. I used to ignore scary and overwhelming emotions, but that’s not healthy. I’ve learned--and will continue to learn--how to face what I feel, so I can try to understand those emotions and where they come from, even if it’s scary, and accept them.

When I really don’t know what I’m feeling, and I can’t make sense of it, I’ve also learned the value and importance of asking for help. I seek out the people who know me best, and sometimes someone who doesn’t know me at all but has professional experience. I know that this does not make me weak. When I feel like it does, I repeat to myself that it does not because that’s the truth. It’s ok to not be ok. Sometimes we go through things that are really, really hard and it takes a little bit of help and time to get through it.

All of this to also pause and reflect that this is not how I pictured the year starting. Like, starting the year with an anticlimax? January is imbued with high expectations. And then something happens that is so contrary to whatever expectations or plans we had about starting the year off on the right foot, about starting to implement our plans to chase after our goals for the year. The unexpected happens. Sometimes the unexpected can be something wholly within our grasp to assess, confront, and adapt to, and sometimes it isn’t and we have to learn how. And when the latter occurs, it throws us off.

And that’s ok. It really is. You can only plan and control so much, because then, life happens.

Grief is weird and unpredictable and different for everyone. (Like tonight, I was cooking some raw chickpeas for a salad and Marjorie came into the kitchen asking why it smelled like feet and I said it was just chickpeas, but we both thought this was the funniest thing in the world. Maybe you had to be there. But it felt really good to laugh.) There aren’t guidelines to follow, though there is pretty sound advice about eating well and sleeping well and other self-care tips. One thing I am grateful for is working with understanding staff and teammates who have supported me these past few days. And I will always be eternally amazed by and appreciative of Marjorie, in her resilience and grace, and patience as we both recover from the past couple days.

So again, it’s ok to not be ok. Believing this is the first step to getting back to being ok.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 24/7: 1-800-273-8255, suicidepreventionlifeline.org
Brasil Centro de Valorização da Vida (São Paulo 24/7): 55-11-3151-4109, cvv.org.br